


Devotion

by Dance_Alone



Category: Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-19 12:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13704069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dance_Alone/pseuds/Dance_Alone
Summary: It's about Adam and Theo struggling with love and with themselves...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> Here I am, posting my first fanfiction ever. This is a multiple chaptered piece of work, which is mainly written from Adam’s POV. Later in the story there will also be chapters from Theo’s POV to let you know what’s going on inside his pretty head. ;)  
> I hope there will be a few people who enjoy this story and I would be happy if you let me know what you think about it. But please bear with me. English is not my first language and not everything will be perfect but I try my best. Have fun and thanks for reading!

_Greatest mistake_  
_I ever made –_  
_Loving you._

Another night. Another city. Another hotel room. Adam is sitting on his bed, working on his phone. He’s creating small videos to have something to post on his Instagram stories. It’s a bit of work to make the videos look nicely and somewhat professional with the right background music, the right cuts and stuff like that. Actually it’s nothing special. It’s just him interviewing his bandmates or strangers at the airport or him sitting in his room talking about anything and nothing at all. But the fans seem to love it and for himself it’s entertainment mainly. It keeps himself occupied with something. Days on tour can get long and boring and the nights even longer. It’s a distraction. A distraction from what? From having trouble sleeping? From thinking too much? From feeling too much?

Adam sighs and sits up in his bed. He reaches for the bottle of Jack Daniel’s that is sitting on his nightstand. Just another distraction he tells himself and sometimes, when he’s lucky, sleep comes more easily to him when he’s had his portion. “So sing me to sleep tonight and don’t bring me back to life…” he hums to himself and chuckles a moment later. Isn’t it ironic how well some of their lyrics now fit his current situation? He takes a sip from the bottle in his hand and feels the liquor burn down his throat. It’s a familiar sensation and it leaves him strangely calm. He lies down in bed, puts his phone away and hopes that he will soon be tired enough to shut out this world for a few hours and get some rest.

But his mind keeps wandering. He remembers the time when he got drunk every night when they were on tour for the first time. He needed the buzz to go out there night after night performing, to somehow handle the pressure and to not freak out completely. But he also remembers how he had grown as a man, how he had become more confident and more used to their new life and the success. It still didn’t come as natural to him as it comes to Theo and probably never will. But he managed, he did fine. And then he remembers how proud he was when he quit the alcohol completely because he just didn’t need it anymore. He also changed his looks and maybe for the first time in his life he felt good about himself. But that was before everything somehow went wrong…

He just made one single mistake. He fell in love. And out of all people it had to be Theo. His best friend, his bandmate, the most important person in his life. He knew it was wrong. He knew it all along but all those feelings he built up deep inside were like a force of nature. He was unable to stop them and with each passing day it became harder to hide them. And then the day came when everything went to hell and nothing has been the same ever since…


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter explains what had happened between Adam and Theo before the tour started.

_It always feels like torture_  
_To be this close_

Theo has always been special to him. He was different, outstanding right from the start. It was such an unusual first encounter and no one would have thought it would lead to anything. And yet, the promises they made to each other when they were drunk at four o’clock in the morning were kept until this day. Over the years they’ve become a great team with a large amount of mutual understanding and respect and they’ve become very close friends. Despite all their differences, they’ve grown to need each other in order to succeed and Adam wouldn’t want it any other way. They are like two missing pieces of a puzzle and complete each other in every way possible. Theo is by far the bravest person he has ever met, while he himself is the total opposite. Adam has always admired him for that and for never losing his optimism and faith in their own abilities, even though nothing seemed to work out right. Theo was everything he was not and maybe that’s why Adam has always been kinda fascinated by him. He didn’t think too much of it though.

And now he doesn’t even know when things changed, when he began to see more in Theo than just a friend. It started off slowly. It was in the way his skin prickled when Theo touched him. It was in the way his stomach fluttered when Theo looked him in the eyes a little too long. It was the wish in him to get closer to Theo and at the same time, that was the thing he feared the most. He was very confused for a while, made up excuses to himself why he felt this way. He thought dating a girl would maybe make these strange feelings for his bandmate disappear but it didn’t. The relationship didn’t last. After that everything got even worse than before. He was thinking about Theo nearly all the time and he was wondering what it would be like to kiss him. What it would be like to touch him, to be intimate with him. He would never know. But at that time he finally admitted to himself that there was something huge going on. It was not just a little crush or pure physical attraction. No, he cared too much. He was falling for Theo. Hard and fast. And there was nothing he could do about it. After this realization he started to question his sexuality but gave up on it soon. He didn’t want to label it. He just knew that so far he hasn’t been attracted to any other man. It was just something that came with Theo.

And he also knew that he couldn’t tell anybody about his feelings for Theo. He just couldn’t risk what they had. Their friendship, their special chemistry, which makes them successful as a band. So he kept everything to himself. He tried to act normal, tried to hide what was really going on. But it became more and more difficult as time went by. At some point, spending time with Theo felt like torture. Every simple hug made him burn from the inside. He wanted to scream because he couldn’t bear it anymore. Being close to Theo was too much and at the same time could never be enough.

Then the day came when Adam lost control. Actually it was a pretty normal day. They met at the studio as usual because they’ve been working a lot for their new album ‘Desire’ over the past few months and now it was almost finished. Adam was a bit late because he couldn’t decide what to wear. He knew it was ridiculous but he wanted to look good for Theo. When exactly did he turn into a teenage girl? Oh well, never mind.

When he entered the studio Theo was already impatiently waiting for him.

He was greeted with an “Adam…finally!” But he could clearly see the excitement and a smile in Theo’s eyes.

“Well yeah sorry it took me a little…” he started but was immediately interrupted by Theo.

“It doesn’t matter! But Adam you have to listen to the song we’ve been working on yesterday. You know ‘People like us’. I’ve finished the lyrics and I think it really turned out brilliantly. It’s a beautiful completion of our album…”

Adam had to smile about Theo’s enthusiasm. He loved how he talked with his hands, how his brown eyes twinkled with excitement… He just stared at him in awe. Until Theo’s voice brought him back to the present.

“Do you wanna look at the lyrics or should I just sing it to you?” He didn’t even wait for Adam’s answer and just started to sing the newly written words. Adam liked it immediately and after he gave his approval to Theo they went on working on the song, mainly details now.

At some point, they decided to have a break and get something to eat. Adam was already standing at the door and Theo, who was in a very good mood, was still singing their song and danced in a little pirouette towards Adam while singing exactly those words. Since Theo was a bit clumsy most of the time, he lost his balance and landed in Adam’s arms. The pianist caught Theo’s small frame easily and held onto him tightly. Theo was laughing but Adam could only think of how close they were to each other. He just would have to lean forward a bit and he could capture those rosy lips. Those lips he had dreamt about countless times. And then something in him snapped and he just did it. He needed to feel Theo’s lips against his own or he would go crazy.

Theo froze the moment their mouths touched and Adam kissed him eagerly, wanting nothing more than for Theo to respond in the same way. But it was over far too soon. Theo pushed him away hard and stared at him with wide eyes. At that moment, Adam already knew he had made a terrible mistake…

After another second of shocked silence came a harsh “What the fuck is wrong with you?” from Theo and Adam’s heart sank. What was he thinking? How could he lose control like this? How should he explain this to Theo? At that moment, everything was crashing down on him and he just couldn’t bear Theo’s shocked and accusing stare anymore. He just mumbled: “I’m sorry!” and then he was out of the door and just ran until there was no air left in his lungs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's the next chapter, continuing with the flashback and then bringing us back to the present. I hope you like it!

_The things we never say_   
_Are better often left alone_

When Adam was back in his apartment, he just couldn’t believe how stupid he was. What did he expect? Theo kissing him back passionately and after that living with him happily ever after? At that he had to laugh, but it was a bitter laugh. Theo was not into men and even if he was, why should he be interested in him? He felt like Theo was out of his league. The bastard could have anyone with his charms and his good looks. So what would he want with Adam? He himself was mostly awkward and full of self-doubts. He was still seeing Theo’s shocked face. Maybe he was even disgusted? Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It hurt to think about it. The rejection was one thing but probably having ruined their friendship and everything else nearly caused him physical pain. How should he be able to look Theo in the eyes ever again? He was pulled out of his thoughts when the doorbell rang. His heartbeat sped up immediately and his first thought was: Theo! He panicked and considered for a moment to pretend he wasn’t there but he knew it wouldn’t solve anything. He reluctantly stood up and answered the door. And there Theo stood, meeting his eyes only for a second before looking down again. Adam’s heart beat like crazy when he let Theo into his flat. His mind was completely blank and he had no clue what he could say to the other. Theo looked equally uncomfortable but started to talk anyway. “Adam we have to talk about what happened in the studio…”

And Adam knew he had to save the situation somehow. It all depended on what he said next. “Theo listen, I’m really sorry. I don’t know what got into me. The mood was good and I felt like joking around. I know it was stupid, but let’s just forget about it ok?” He sounded weak even in his own ears. Not convincing at all.

“You call this joking around? Really Adam?” Theo didn’t buy it. Of course he didn’t. “Sorry but I missed the joke then.” Theo turned his back to him, he was tense.

Adam was becoming more desperate. This wasn’t going well. But again, what did he expect? “Theo please! Can’t we just drop it? What else do you want me to say?” Jesus, he sounded pathetic and he hated himself for it.

Theo turned around to face him and there was anger flaring in his eyes. “I want you to be honest Adam! I know you long enough and you wouldn’t do such a thing and run away afterwards without a reason behind it. This came totally out of nowhere for me and you owe me a proper explanation. I can’t deal with you lying to me. Not over something important like this!” Theo was breathing heavier by now and Adam could clearly see how much this affected his friend.

Adam remained silent for a moment, weighing his options. He then realized that he actually didn’t have any options left. He had to be honest to Theo, anything else would make it worse. He didn’t want to lose him. The singer just had to understand.

“Ok,” he croaked out and had to clear his throat first. God why was this so difficult? It’s not as if he was able to change his feelings, he didn’t do anything wrong. Theo was looking expectantly at him and he knew he had to spit it out now. He averted his gaze, he couldn’t do it while looking Theo in the eyes. He was afraid what he would find there, once his secret was out.

Adam took a deep breath and then: “I… I feel kind of attracted to you.” There he said it.

“What does that mean?” He heard Theo’s voice. It sounded hollow.

Adam looked up surprised. What else did Theo want to hear? Wasn’t it obvious enough?

Theo saw his questioning look and took pity on him as he asked further: “You are attracted to me. How? Sexually? I never knew you were into guys as well. So it’s just a physical thing?” His tone was controlled as if it took him a lot of effort to hold it together.

Adam gulped audibly and looked away again. He really had to get it out now. There was no way back. “No, I’m not into guys, at least not in general and it’s not just physical. I… I’m in love with you Theo. For a while now. I know it’s stupid and there is no chance. And believe me I tried to fight it, I really did. But I just can’t change the way I feel.” The last sentence was just above a whisper but Theo heard him anyway. He had to blink a few times because suddenly his eyes started to burn. And god he really didn’t want to cry in front of Theo now. The situation was bad enough, he didn’t need any further humiliation.

Theo just stood there for a while, looking at him. His expression unreadable. “Wow that comes quite surprising you know…” he finally spoke up, his voice slightly hoarse.

“I don’t want this to change things between us!” Adam blurted out, looking at the singer with pleading eyes. “I know you will never feel the same and I will get over it. It just takes some time. I promise I can deal with it.”

Theo doesn’t look very convinced. “Are you sure? I really want to believe your words, Adam. You know how close we are and the last thing I want is that things become awkward between us.” He hesitated, probably debating with himself if he should add something more. But he continued nevertheless. “I really need some time to wrap my mind around the thing you just confessed to me. It’s not something I would have ever expected to happen between us… “

“Neither did I…! And I’m really sorry that I made a move on you today. It won’t happen again. ” Adam said quietly, ashamed of his actions.

“Hey…” Theo spoke softly now and made a few steps towards Adam. He put a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “It’s ok Adam. It’s not your fault that I am so hot it made you fall in love with me.” He grinned at Adam, wanted to lighten the mood. It still came out a bit forced but Adam was grateful anyway and smiled back at the singer.

“Are we good?” the pianist asked. He just needed to know, needed the reassurance.

“Of course we are.” Theo gave back and hugged him shortly to emphasize his words. As they parted, however, he could see uncertainty in the singer’s eyes. Something he rarely saw in Theo, not when it was just the two of them. He told himself that Theo needed some time to get used to the new revelations and that it could have gone worse. He even felt a little relieved that his big secret was finally out and that he didn’t have to pretend anymore. At least not in front of Theo. The singer would understand now when he acted strange in some situations or when he just needed more time for himself. This would be helpful especially with them being on tour soon.

***

And now they are in the middle of the tour and Adam is still lying in his dark hotel room unable to fall asleep. He snorts at himself and at his naïve thoughts from that day. Of course everything has changed since then. And now he would do anything to go back in time and never tell Theo the truth about his feelings for him. After that Theo pulled away more and more. They finished the album but it was a good thing that most of it had already been done. Adam wasn’t sure if they could have managed it otherwise. A creative process isn’t something you can force out and the tension between them would have immensely affected their dynamic as a duo, on which their work is built on. Adam is scared that they won’t find their way back to it. But besides the working aspect he really misses his friend. It’s not like they are fighting or wouldn’t talk at all. It’s just different. Maybe it isn’t even so obvious from the outside. At least their bandmates haven’t said a word about it yet. But to him it’s as plain as day that Theo is avoiding him whenever possible. The only time they spend together other than on stage and doing sound-check etc. is when the whole group goes out together. And even then Theo’s always talking more to the others than to him.

Of course he tried to talk to Theo about their current situation and he wanted to tell him how much it bothers him and that he’s afraid of losing him completely. But the singer clearly didn’t want to talk about those things. He just brushed Adam off and told him not to make a big thing out of it. He said a little space wouldn’t hurt the both of them and they would soon enough be spending a large amount of time together again when they are back to working on new music. But Theo is wrong. It actually hurts. He’s so scared they won’t be able to fix the damage caused between them. Not with time. But he has always been bad at arguing with Theo and so he lets him be. He tries to do his own thing as well because there’s not much else he can do.

He turns around in his bed one more time and then finally after what feels like an eternity he falls into a restless sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

_If you offer salvation_  
_I will run_  
_Into your arms..._

The next morning the whole crew is gathered around the table having breakfast. Adam can feel a light headache and the tiredness. But that’s nothing new these days. He can’t even remember the last time he felt really well rested.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Paul next to him suddenly pulls him out of his thoughts, referring to his food that was still untouched on his plate.

“Not really… Don’t feel so good today,” Adam gave back.

Paul looked at him with worry in his eyes. “Yeah I can see that. You look even paler than usual. But starting the day with an empty stomach won’t make it any better!”

Adam looks over to Theo and finds the other’s eyes on him. It’s not the first time he notices the singer watching him. But he really can’t tell what he’s thinking. It has become hard for him to read Theo’s expressions these days.

He turns back to Paul who is still waiting for a reaction from him and sighs. ”Ok mom I’ll try my best to eat what’s on this plate. Happy?”

“That’s my boy!” Paul gives back with a grin and playfully pets his head. Paul actually has become his closest friend besides Theo of course. But regarding their current situation he’s not sure if he can even call Theo his friend anymore or rather just his bandmate. This thought makes his stomach churn but he forces the food down anyway.

After breakfast Adam pulls Theo aside because he has to ask him something about today’s show. At least about business stuff they can talk normally. Theo tells him what he wants to know and is already about to leave when he turns around again.

“I hope the state you’re in won’t affect the concert tonight. Maybe you should stop drinking. You’re not used to it anymore!” He tried to sound nonchalant but Adam could detect a hint of anger in his voice.

“How do you want to know that I’ve been drinking? It’s not like we spent the evening together with you doing your own thing most of the time…” Adam feels the need to defend himself and can’t hide the disappointment he feels about Theo’s behavior.

Theo shrugs and then says: “I just assume it when I watch your Instagram story from last night and you talking so much shit. I don’t know why you’re posting this weird stuff for the past weeks and I kept my mouth shut about it but seriously Adam, people who watch this, must think you’re a lunatic!”

Adam gapes at him. Theo caught him off guard. But after he got over the first shock, he suddenly feels incredibly angry at Theo. All the time Theo doesn’t give a damn about him and then out of nowhere he gives him this accusing shit! “It’s none of your business Theo what I post on my profile. The fans feel entertained by it and I don’t know what’s your problem but maybe you’re just jealous because these things actually give ME some attention for a change. Maybe you can’t handle it when you’re not the center of the universe for once!”

Theo balls his hand into a fist and stares angrily at him. “Don’t be ridiculous Adam. I don’t care about how much attention you get but I care about you making a fool out of yourself. It always comes back to the band. You represent it as well as I do!”

“Oh so you’re suddenly so worried about our image? We’ve always been the weird outsiders somehow and so far it worked quite well!” Adam snaps, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Yes, but we’ve always been authentic but now you’re just acting stupid. Do I have to point out your gay thing with Paul? What the hell do you wanna prove to the world?” Theo’s look has something challenging.

Adam is speechless for a moment. It’s true, Paul and him had acted a bit gay in front of the camera at times but it’s just fun and foolery and everyone knows that. So why does Theo have to give him shit about it? About a subject like this of all things. He has to take a deep breath to keep his rage under control.

“So you’re implying me acting gay is stupid and not authentic? Me confessing to have feelings for you was not the straightest thing to do, was it?” He could see how Theo cast his eyes down, the challenging expression leaving his face.

“That’s something else… You told me you’re not into men in general and that it was just me…” the singer mumbled.

“Don’t worry. You’re still my exception, if that’s what’s bothering you!” Adam doesn’t exactly know why, but he feels the urge to provoke Theo. To provoke a reaction out of him. Anything would be better than the deafening silence between them, heavy with all the things unspoken.

“You know that’s bullshit Adam…” Theo looks up at him again, his expression soft. The anger apparently all gone. “I’m sorry ok? I have no right to judge you like that. If you think you have to post this weird stuff in order to express yourself, then well… It’s just… I’m worried about you. You’re suddenly drinking again and you look so tired all the time. Don’t think I wouldn’t notice…”

Adam doesn’t know how to feel. He’s actually really angry at Theo for being too ignorant to understand that he is the reason for Adam’s condition, but at the same time he can’t deny that it’s kind of overwhelming to find the other still caring about him after all. He decides to just speak his mind.

“I appreciate your worry and you’re right, I don’t feel very well at the moment but honestly your behavior of the past view weeks, since the day I admitted to you what I probably shouldn’t have, really plays a large part in this. You’re avoiding me Theo. That’s what I notice. And I’m really scared of losing you… as a friend.” He adds the last part just to make sure the other gets him right. There’s hurt in his voice, but it doesn’t matter. He wants Theo to know, how this makes him feel. He doesn’t want to pretend, he doesn’t want to hide.

Something like guilt mixed with affection flashes through Theo’s eyes and Adam can’t even blink before the singer overcomes the distance between them and takes him into his arms. Adam’s world stands still for a moment, a warm feeling spreads throughout his whole body and he feels like coming home. Finally. He has missed the other so much that he has difficulties to control his emotions now.

They just stand there for a while. Theo holds him tightly and eventually mumbles into his ear: “I’m sorry Adam. I guess I just can’t handle the situation as well as I thought I could. But you will never ever lose me, ok? I Just thought it would be easier for both of us if we keep as much distance as possible at least until everything is back to normal. But apparently I was wrong… And to be honest I miss you too.”

At those words Adam feels such a strong relieve wash over him that it makes him weak at the knees. He tightens his hold on Theo and just lets the other know without words how glad he was about what has just happened between them.

Finally Theo breaks the silence again: “God when exactly did I become so cheesy?” He chuckles and pulls back a bit to look Adam in the eyes.

“Well have you ever listened to your lyrics?” Adam grins cheekily and earns a slap from Theo for that.

“Hey you bastard! You love my lyrics!” And then they are both laughing together again after what feels like an eternity. Adam feels how something inside of him falls back into place and it’s a damn good feeling.

After their laughter dies down Theo looks at Adam again and says: “We should go out tonight after the concert! Tomorrow’s a day off. Let’s take the chance and just have some fun with the whole crew. I’m sure the guys will love the idea as well.”

Adam smiles at him. Actually he doesn’t like partying very much but he feels it would be a good opportunity for Theo and him to just start over and find the way back to each other as friends.

“We should totally do that!” and his smile turns into a wide grin.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chapter 5 already. I'm curious what you guys think about the story so far. :)

_Forgive my thoughts when I’m asleep_  
_Forgive these words I’m yet to speak_  
_I feel so ashamed…_

Adam is lying in his hotel bed again, staring at the ceiling. It’s 2 am. Still early for a night out with his lads. But he had to leave, couldn’t stand to be at the party any longer. And now he’s alone again in his room in a foreign country. He needs a drink. His thoughts go back to the evening. He doesn’t want to think about it but his mind won’t listen.

At first everything went fine and Adam was really enjoying himself. He felt so much more relaxed around Theo. They were talking and joking just as if the previous weeks haven’t happened. At some point Theo conquered the dance floor. Adam himself really wasn’t a dancer and so he just sat there with a drink watching Theo for a while. The singer just loved dancing and he surely has improved his skills by having dancing lessons for their video to ‘Lights’. Still he has his very own style, combining some awkward moves with something sexy as hell. Adam couldn’t take his eyes of him. He tried to push down the desire that awoke in him. How much he just wanted to go to Theo right now, just pull him close, inhale his sent and touch those sinful lips with his own… God he should really stop thinking about those things. The last time he gave in to the temptation it didn’t end well, like not at all. And now that they finally seemed to overcome some barriers between them he couldn’t ruin it again. Fortunately, he was pulled out of his not so innocent thoughts by Paul, who placed a new drink next to his now empty glass. “Hey mate are you checking out the girls on the dance floor?”

Adam laughed a bit nervously at that… If only Paul knew…

The other didn’t seem to notice his slight discomfort though and just went on rumbling about this and that. It was always easy and fun to talk to Paul, so he only noticed some time later that Theo still hadn’t returned from the dance floor. He scanned the crowd but there was no sight of the singer. Adam just shrugged and told the guys he would order a new round of drinks for them. He had to go to the toilet anyway.

When Adam rounded a corner to get to the restrooms he froze in his tracks. A few meters away was Theo with a girl pressed between him and the wall behind her. They were kissing quite passionately. Adam felt the jealousy wash through him. Even if he knew that Theo picks up girls from time to time it’s been a while since he actually had to witness it. And there was no doubt where this would lead with Theo pressing up against her, having one hand possessively placed around her hip, the other resting on the wall next to her head. It fucking hurt to see him like this! But Adam couldn’t look away either. Maybe he was some kind of masochist. When the girl slung her arms around Theo’s neck and started to turn them around, Adam was finally pulled out of his trance. He really didn’t want Theo to catch him staring. He turned around as fast as he could and just pushed his way through the crowd back to the guys. He needed to leave this stupid club right the fuck now. He just wanted to be alone. He didn’t want to pretend that everything was great when in reality he could barely hold it together. And even less he wanted to watch Theo leave with that girl tonight.

“Hey Adam where are our drinks? Did someone steal them? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” Lael asked him not quite seriously when the pianist reached their table.

“Sorry guys, I really do not feel well. I’m just gonna head back to the hotel.” He wanted to get away as fast as possible now.

The others looked at him concerned, but seemed to buy it since he had already told them something similar in the morning.

He then made his way out of the club and took a cab back to the hotel, where he is currently lying in his bed thinking about things he actually just wants to forget.

He hates the world right now. He’s angry at this girl who’s probably in Theo’s bed by now. He’s angry at Theo that some stupid meaningless fuck is more important to him than the promised evening with his friends. But most of all he’s angry at himself that he just can’t stop feeling what he shouldn’t feel. He’s such a failure. God, he really needs a drink now. Or maybe he should just try to fall asleep.

But he feels so restless somehow. His body wide awake. When he closes his eyes, pictures immediately begin to flood his mind again. Theo at the dancefloor. He looked so happy, so alive… so sexy. God how sexy he was! Then there’s Theo and the girl making out in the hallway. He doesn’t want to remember this sight but he has to admit, that seeing Theo like this, excites him. He wants to be in the girl’s place, so he imagines Theo pressed up against him. Adam shifts in his bed a little, imagines it would be the solid wall behind him. He can feel the hot and wet touch of Theo’s lips and tongue. He can almost smell his sent. A little sweaty, a little aftershave and something so distinctively Theo. He feels himself getting hard against Theo’s thigh or in reality under his blanket. Something in the back of his mind tells him he should stop but it is just too tempting to let himself get lost in the fantasy for a little while longer.

Adam reaches down, puts the blanket aside and touches himself through his boxers, imagining it would be Theo’s hand sliding down his body and stroking over his crotch. He moans at the first touch. The imagination of Theo doing this to him gets him aroused very fast. He knows he wouldn’t last long, so he hurries to get rid of his boxer shorts and wraps his hand around his hard length. In his mind Theo’s kisses have grown more demanding and he’s moving his hand inside of Adam’s trousers. He let’s himself go completely, lost in the sensation of Theo all over him. He hears Theo breathe harshly into his ear, feels him move his hand frantically and then everything goes blank for a moment.

When he comes back to reality, Theo is gone and with him his warmth, he could feel only moments ago. He’s left alone with his own ragged breathing and the wetness of his hand and stomach. After the mind-blowing orgasm he should actually feel satisfied, but all he feels is numb.

Adam sighs and gets up eventually, walking straight into the shower. He has to clean himself, wash it all away. Yeah, he can wash away the evidence on his body as if nothing has happened but he can’t wash away the guilt and shame he’s feeling. It’s not the first time this has happened and most likely won’t be the last but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s just so wrong to think about Theo like this, to use him for his dirty fantasies. Theo is his best friend. They work together for fuck’s sake. If he doesn’t get a grip on himself he really doesn’t know how all of this should work in the future. He feels like his life depends on it and it’s kinda true. What’s left if he loses Theo? Tears of desperation well up in his eyes and for once he doesn’t stop them. The water washes them away. Again like nothing has happened.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again! Thanks for reading! :)

_I feel the weight of the world_  
_Weighing on my mind_  
_I can't carry the earth_  
_I'm not strong enough_

The next morning Adam feels just so tired again. He decides to skip breakfast and to just stay in his room until they have to leave sometime in the afternoon. He isn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now and the last person he wants to see is Theo, the happiness and satisfaction because of a great night probably written all over his face.

Some time later when Adam has at least managed to put on some clothes and to order tea and some snacks, there is a knock on his door. Expecting the room service he opens the door but is greeted by Paul. The other doesn‘t wait for him to ask him in and just walks into the room, where he lets himself fall onto the couch.

“We missed you at breakfast Adam. Are you still sick?” Paul asks, looking at him with concern.

“No, I’m better. I was just not in the mood for having company to be honest. I just called the room service. So don’t worry I’m not starving.” He smiles at Paul, really appreciating that his friend was looking out for him, even though he would still rather be alone.  
At that Paul relaxes visibly. “You could have joined us you know. There wasn’t much chatter anyway. We’re all a bit knackered today after last night. Oh and by the way Theo skipped breakfast as well. You know he left the club yesterday not long after you with a pretty blonde. I’m sure he didn’t get much sleep either and…”

“Yes I know that!” He interrupts Paul with a harsh tone, harsher than he intended to.

Paul looks at him surprised. “How can you know that? You were already gone when Theo… Oh you saw him in the club… when you wanted to get some drinks for us…” Paul is thinking out loud.

Adam curses at himself silently. Why can’t he just keep his mouth shut? He doesn’t bother to answer Paul’s question, given the fact it wasn’t really a question but rather an assumption.

His silence seems to be enough confirmation for Paul and he just looks at Adam pensively, apparently not sure if he should say something else.

While Adam is busy searching for an excuse to get rid of the other, he hears Paul speak up again, uncertainty in his voice. “You know Adam… I’ve been wondering for a while now, if there’s something up between Theo and you.”

Adam’s eyes fly up to meet Paul’s but he averts them a second later, trying not to show how nervous this conversation is making him. “What? Why would you think that?” His voice doesn’t sound as calm as he wants it to.

“It’s just... you’ve been quite miserable for the past few weeks Adam and I noticed that you and Theo hardly spoke to each other. And then yesterday you finally seemed to be happier, both of you. The chemistry between you two seemed to be back and the evening went well… And suddenly you left and…”

Paul doesn’t get to end his sentence because Adam barges in again, desperately trying to keep the conversation from evolving into this direction. “I already told you I was feeling sick!”

“Yes, after seeing Theo with that girl!” Paul looks him directly in the eyes, keeping his voice even. “Listen Adam, I don’t know what’s going on between you two and it’s none of my business. I just want you to know you can talk to me if there’s something bothering you. I’m your friend, I just want to help.”

“There’s nothing going on. Theo is my friend and nothing else,” Adam says quietly, his hands slightly shaking.

“But you want him to be something else…” It was not even a question. Paul has gotten up from the couch and is standing in front of him now.

Adam can’t believe that Paul has figured him out. There was no way the drummer could know for sure, so he starts a last try to deny what is true. “What the fuck Paul, you’re making up something just because I left the party early yesterday??”

“No, not just because of that. There a many little things. I’m quite a good observer and I know you for a while now, Adam. I see the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. I see how you get nervous and fidgety when he comes close to you. It’s not very obvious, you’re good at hiding most of the time and first I thought I would be imagining things… There is still a chance I’ve gone totally crazy and everything I’ve just said is total bullshit, but regarding your reaction right now Adam, actually makes me sure, it’s not.”

Adam feels defeated. He just doesn’t have the strength anymore to hold up a version of himself that’s nothing but a lie. He doesn’t think twice about his next words. “I’m in love with him, Paul and I just don’t know what to do…” He buries his head in his hands, not able to hide his desperation any longer.

Paul says nothing and just pulls him into his arms. Adam accepts the embrace immediately and feels some weight lifted from his shoulders. It feels good to have someone to catch him and not having to deal with all of this on his own.

“Does Theo know?” Paul asks quietly after a while.

Adam sighs and pulls back a little, more composed now. “Yes he does. And actually that’s the reason why he avoided me so much over the past weeks. I think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it because he will never feel the same of course. But we had a talk yesterday and I’m hopeful we’re on a good way to get our friendship back.”

“But what about you Adam? Do YOU know how to deal with it? I’m really worried about you.”

“I’m trying. What else can I do? I have to get over him… But at the moment it seems like an impossible task to me… I just love him Paul…” It’s strange to talk so openly about his feelings. He has never been good at that. But Paul knows now anyway and he trusts the drummer.

“Oh Adam… I wish I could tell you what to do but…” He is interrupted by a knock on the door.

Adam is sure that this finally has to be the room service now, but when he opens the door he’s surprised to see Theo standing there. “Hey Adam can I come in?”

He just steps aside to let Theo into the room. “Oh hey Paul! Am I interrupting something? I actually just wanted to make sure you’re fine, Adam. The others told me you left the party early.”

Theo looks at him expectantly with his big brown eyes. Adam shortly looks over to Paul and then concentrates on Theo again. “Yeah yeah, don’t worry. I’m fine now. I would have said goodbye but you…” he trails of remembering Theo in the hallway and some other stuff he really shouldn’t think about now. “… I eh… couldn’t find you,” he finally finishes his sentence.

Theo looks away quickly and mumbles a “No problem. I’m glad you’re ok now.” Not keen on telling Adam what kept him busy, of course.

Paul claps his hands, intending not to let an awkward silence fall over them. “So, now that everyone’s awake and more or less fine, how about we have some lunch together before we have to leave in two hours? Adam’s room service seems to have forgotten the order anyway.”

Theo and Adam exchange a look before they both give their agreement and together the three men leave for the dining room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter for the weekend. Hope you enjoy it! :)

_Inside the heart of every man_  
_There is a lust you understand_  
_And I'm just the same_

Another week has gone by. They are through more than half of the tour already by now. Paul has offered him a few times to lend an ear if he needed someone to talk about the situation with Theo but he always declined. He didn’t really want to talk about it with anyone. It was something he has to sort out for himself. And honestly at the moment he doesn’t even know how he should describe his relationship with Theo.

Since their talk one week ago things have definitely been much better between them. Theo doesn’t avoid him anymore and Adam is very relieved about that. They talk with each other again, laugh with each other and it doesn’t even seem to be forced in any way. It feels like everything’s back to normal but at the same time it doesn’t. Theo treats him differently somehow, not for anyone to see, but Adam can feel it or at least he thinks it’s not just his imagination. He can’t really put a finger on it yet but Theo seems to be more aware of him now. Maybe as an answer to the way he himself is aware of Theo, if that even makes any sense.

When they touch, it feels more deliberately. Sometimes when they look at each other, it’s like they share a secret no one else knows about. And in some way it’s true. Theo knows now what Adam sees in him, how he feels about him or he has an idea at least. It’s probably not possible for the singer to look at him the same way ever again. Adam wouldn’t go as far as to say Theo is flirting with him because the thought alone is really absurd. But there’s definitely some kind of attention he hasn’t gotten before and he can’t even decide if he likes it or not. It confuses him in the first place. Adam knows damn well that he should rather try his hardest to see Theo as a friend and nothing else, but he just can’t help thinking about those weird signals coming from Theo. It’s probably all in his head anyway. But it’s enough to keep him from sleeping properly at night. Again. He’s such a mess, really!

***

Tonight’s concert in Vienna has been great again! The stage is the only place where Adam can set free some of the strange energy that has him agitated all the time. He’s currently sitting backstage, already showered and with fresh clothes, waiting for everyone to get ready so that they can leave for the next city. It will be a night on the bus because the next show is already tomorrow. To keep himself busy he wants to browse through his phone as usual but he notices it’s not in the pocket of his jacket as he thought it would be. He must have forgotten it in the dressing room, he shares with Theo. The rest of the band has a separate room.

Adam sighs and goes back to their dressing room. Theo might be in the shower right now but the pianist decides to not just barge in, just in case the other has already left the bathroom and is in a not presentable state. They really don’t need any awkward situations between them and he sure as hell doesn’t need certain pictures of Theo in his head that would cause him another sleepless night.

So he knocks on the door and asks “Theo?”, so that the singer knows it’s him.

He instantly hears a “Come in” from the other side of the door. While Adam is thinking that Theo was really fast with showering and getting dressed, he enters the room, shuts the door behind him only to stop dead in his tracks a moment later. Theo is standing there with only a towel around his hips, his hair still uncombed and dripping wet. Before Adam could stop himself he lets his eyes slide down Theo’s body.

He looks away quickly, trying to act nonchalant, but fails miserably. “Um sorry… I forgot my phone here and I wanted to get it but I’ll let you get dressed, I’ll just go... um… see ya later”, he stutters and turns around hastily to leave the room.

“No, no stay and get your phone! It’s ok. I don’t mind,” comes immediately from Theo.

Adam curses silently in his head, but eventually turns around again, trying to compose himself. _‘Ok just don’t make a big deal out of it now. It’s not like you see him like this for the first time. Just concentrate on finding your damn phone and you’re out in a second.’_ He goes over to the table, rummages through the things lying on it, but the phone is not there. He looks around a bit helplessly. Theo is still standing on the same spot, watching him with a strange look on his face.

Adam decides to ignore it and then his gaze falls on a jacket of his, hanging behind Theo. Ah! He must have put the phone in there instead of the one he’s currently wearing. He says so much to Theo, just to fill the awkward silence. Relieved that he’s finally found the damn thing he goes over to the jacket. To his surprise Theo does not really move aside to give him space. He stays awfully close.

_‘What the hell is going on? Why is he doing that? Maybe it’s a game for him to make me even more nervous.’_ Adam’s thoughts are running wild and he just wants to grab his phone and finally escape this weird situation. When he reaches into his pocket with slightly shaking hands, he feels Theo step even closer. His bare chest now pressed to his back, Theo’s warm breath ghosting over his neck. Adam’s heart stops.

He turns around slowly, facing the singer. “Theo?” he asks, his voice hoarse. But Theo doesn’t say a word. He just stares at him, his mouth slightly open, his gaze intense. Theo’s eyes flicker to his lips for the split of a second before meeting Adam’s again, expectantly and somewhat challenging.

_‘Does he want me to kiss him? Could it be? The last time I did it, he pushed me away…’_ Adam is afraid of rejection but at the same time he has to do something right the fuck now! He feels the heat radiating from Theo’s body and he really can’t think straight anymore. He pushes the last doubts somewhere into the back of his mind and lets instinct take over.

When their lips touch, it’s very careful and hesitant. He still has no idea how Theo will react. The relief he feels, when Theo responds slowly to the kiss, is overwhelming. Adam lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He moves in again, kissing Theo more eagerly now. God, how good this feels with Theo responding so beautifully to him. They let their tongues slide together, exploring each other’s mouths. Soft and deep moans leave Theo’s throat and it makes Adam shiver. Theo’s reaction spurs him on and he becomes braver. While the kisses become more passionate, he begins to roam over the singer’s bare chest with his hands. He can feel light goosebumps appearing on Theo’s skin and it’s exciting to know he’s the reason for it.

It feels amazing to finally have Theo this close. He wants to touch him everywhere, he wants to crawl into his skin. Adam kisses down Theo’s throat and nuzzles his neck, inhaling deeply. Theo’s like a drug to him. He’s in a haze. Distantly he hears Theo’s breath hitch, when he’s sucking on his collarbone. His hands slide down over Theo’s stomach, making the muscles there twitch. He pushes his fingers under the seam of the towel. Looking up to Theo, he searches for any sign of objection. When he finds none, he pulls the towel from Theo’s hips. He lets himself look at the other’s naked body and a wave of arousal shoots through him. Theo is hard as well and he wants to touch him so badly. Before he can think about it any longer, he is pulled into another kiss by Theo, who probably wanted to interrupt his staring.

Theo presses closer, moving his hips slightly against Adam. Seeing the other so desperate for contact, gives Adam the courage to go one step further. He lets his hand slip between their bodies and wraps it around Theo, trying out a few strokes. The singer responds with a load moan and thrusts into his hand impatiently.

Adam wants to make it good for Theo, give him as much pleasure as possible. He kisses his way down Theo’s body and sinks to his knees in front of him. Theo looks at him with clouded eyes, his breathing heavy. One of his hands finds its way to the back of Adam’s head. He’s not pushing, just leaves it there, waiting for Adam to make the next move. To be honest Adam’s not really sure of what he’s doing, of course. How could he? But he’s definitely sure that he wants to take what he can get from Theo right now.

After another moment of hesitation, he lets his tongue slide along Theo’s length, just to get a first taste. It’s a strange feeling, but very arousing at the same time. He could absolutely get used to it. After tightening his hold around the base, he lowers his mouth as far as he can manage without choking himself. Theo throws his head back, eyes falling shut, as he groans out “Oh shit!”

Adam feels hot all over, his body on fire. He opens his own pants, shoves them down just enough to get a hand on himself. At the same time he picks up his pace on Theo, adding more suction. The singer‘s grip on his head grows stronger, guiding his movements now. A few more sucks and Theo loses his rhythm. He gasps for air, his voice ragged „Fuck Adam I... I‘m close!“

It was probably meant as a warning, giving Adam a chance to pull away, but he stays in place, wants to experience everything. Theo‘s hips begin to stutter, the grip of his fingers in Adam’s hair is painful by now. But Adam can barely feel it, too far gone himself. He hears Theo cry out and an unfamiliar taste is flooding his mouth. The sensation is enough to send him over the edge as well. A few more frantic strokes and he comes with a muffled sound.

Everything flashes white for a second and he slumps down on his heels, not able to keep himself up on his knees anymore. He hears his own heartbeat drumming in his ears and when he looks up at Theo, the singer is leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, his breathing still uneven.

Before either one of them gets the chance to say something, Paul‘s voice can suddenly be heard from outside the door. „Hey guys, hurry up in there! The bus is leaving in 15 minutes!“

Theo‘s eyes flash open, he stares at Adam in horror. After the first shock he clears his throat and shouts back „Yeah all right. I‘ll be out in 10!“ Apparently satisfied they can hear Paul distancing himself from the door again.

Adam let‘s out a breath and Theo whispers a silent „Fuck...“ He looks shortly over to Adam, who is still sitting on the floor. „I gotta get dressed,“ is all he says, before he makes his way to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Adam needs another few seconds, before he snaps into action again. He finally gets up and pulls his trousers back on. Then he grabs Theo‘s towel, they had discarded earlier, and wipes away the mess he‘s made on the floor. He runs a hand through his disheveled hair, trying to comb it back in place. What now? Should he wait for Theo to come out of the bathroom? He wants to talk to him about what has just happened between them, but something tells him it‘s better to leave his friend alone right now. Anyways it‘s not the time or place for a conversation like this.

Before he leaves, he calls through the door: „Theo I’m going ahead. We’ll meet at the bus, ok?“ No answer. Adam bites his lips, waits another hopeful second, but eventually takes his stuff and leaves the dressing room. That‘s what it feels like when you‘re crashing down from a high. It‘s nothing new to him, the good things never last, do they?

Adam makes his way to the other crew members, hoping he looks more composed than he feels right now.


	8. Chapter 8

_When_ _the_ _days_ _go_ _by_ _but_ _the_ _darkness_ _lingers_ _longer_  
_And_ _before_ _you_ _know_ _it_ _life_ _is_ _one_ _long_ _night_ __

Adam is rolling around a little pill between his fingers. It looks innocent but Adam knows better. He’s been through different kinds of addiction in his life and he once swore to himself he would never do this again, he would never revisit those dark places of his past. But now he isn’t really sure if he can keep the promise he made to himself. He doesn’t even know why he bought the stuff and took it on tour with him in the first place… Well actually he does. He was afraid he wouldn’t get through the tour without a little help. His strained relationship to Theo, all those buried feelings, it could easily get too much, couldn’t it? He hasn’t touched it yet though. He was stronger than that but now he seems to have reached a new low and he just doesn’t know how to pull himself out of it and how to step on that stage tonight in Zurich and give the people the show, they deserve.  
—  
It’s been four days since the incident in the dressing room. When he met Theo again on the bus that night, the other avoided his gaze, acted as if nothing had happened. Adam waited impatiently to somehow get Theo alone, he needed to talk to him about it. Not knowing Theo’s thoughts on that matter nearly drove him out of his mind. He didn’t get the opportunity to approach Theo until the next day though.

When they finally got rid of any curious ears and eyes, he confronted the singer. Adam instantly noticed that the other wasn’t keen on having this conversation, which, however, didn’t come as a surprise to him. Theo seemed to be uncomfortable, fidgeting with his rings. And then he simply told him not to make such a big deal out of it. He spoke about how life on tour could be hard and lonely at times. His voice was firm, showing no insecurity at all. Adam could just stare at him.

“Oh come on Adam, don’t look at me like this. The whole situation with me being more than a friend to you is just confusing… for both of us. Maybe we just had to get it out of our system…” Theo said it, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. His indifference, even though it was most likely faked, drove Adam mad. It took him a lot to not lose his temper then and there.

“I’m glad I could help you with getting it out then,” Adam answered, his voice flat. “I just want to remind you that nothing would have happened if it hadn’t been for YOU provoking it!”

Theo met his gaze, probably sensing Adam’s underlying rage. “Yes I know, it was wrong. I’m sorry Adam... I shouldn’t have done that. But I knew you wanted me and I guess… I was curious somehow?” There was guilt written over his face, the cool façade slowly cracking. “I’m just a man after all...” the singer added silently.

“I see,” was all Adam could force out before he left the room, almost desperately needing to get some space between Theo and him.  
—  
That fucking hurt and it still does. Adam sighs, putting the pill on the table before him. He just can’t understand how Theo could use him like that just to satisfy his curiosity. Of course stupid, lovesick Adam was an easy victim. No one would ever know and Theo could just go on banging his stupid chicks. Fuck! This asshole knew exactly how he feels about him but that didn’t keep him from playing his game with Adam. Theo called it ‘Getting it out of the system’ but for Adam it made everything even worse than before. How should he ever be able to forget how it felt to kiss him like that, to touch him like that… the look on his face when he was falling apart… God, he is so screwed!

Over the last days Theo started several attempts to approach the pianist, testing the waters. But Adam can’t just go on as if nothing happened, as if he wasn’t hurt. So this time it’s him who keeps the other at distance, at least as much as he can without the crew getting suspicious.

He’s so sick of this shit. All of it. Sick of pretending, sick of his stupid feelings that just won’t leave him alone, not even now that he’s so angry at Theo. His thoughts are constantly swirling around this man and it drives him crazy. He needs to do something. He doesn’t want to think anymore, he doesn’t want to feel anymore. But there’s a way out of this darkness, at least for a few hours and the temptation is too strong to resist.  
Adam takes the pill into his mouth and swallows it with a big gulp of water. He feels calmer already, because he knows all he has to do right now is wait until his body is overtaken by a lightness he hasn’t felt in months…

***

The lightness didn’t last. Nothing ever lasts. Instead he was feeling sick almost throughout the whole gig. At some point everything began to turn, his vision blurred and he was afraid his legs would give out under him every moment. Adam had to leave the stage and they couldn’t finish the concert. Everyone including Theo was worried about him but he managed to persuade them that he had just eaten something wrong.

Adam is back at his hotel room right now, feeling like shit. He just can’t do anything right. Now he has even disappointed their fans. He had just wanted to set his mind at ease for a few hours, to give himself a little break from all the trouble. Was it really too much to ask? Maybe he should have skipped the alcohol before the gig. That must have been the mistake! He will do better next time. He just has to…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite a dark chapter. Sorry, if I destroyed someone‘s hope that they‘re finally getting their shit together. ;)  
> I know I‘m referring to a real life event here, but of course I don‘t want to imply anything. I just thought it would fit into the story.  
> It won‘t take too long until the next chapter, I promise! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here is again a new chapter for the weekend. It's a bit longer than the last one and the second part is FINALLY from Theo's POV. Hope you like it. :D

_And I'm lost in the night going out of my mind,_  
_but I try not to think anymore_

Adam is sitting in a bar. In a gay bar to be more precise. He doesn’t know exactly what he’s hoping to find there. Just something that will take his mind away from Theo, away from his problems. Something that will satisfy his needs, make him calm. The encounter with Theo in the dressing room has left him graving for more. He knows he can’t have it with the singer but maybe some other guy would do…? He wouldn’t have considered himself gay but maybe just because he doesn’t know better? Sometimes you just have to give things a try.

After the concert today in Cologne he has just been so high on energy and other stuff that he couldn’t just go back to his hotel room. He would have gone out with the guys for a beer or two but then he saw Theo excusing himself for the evening. Probably he was going out on his own, finding himself a company for the night. Adam felt anger and jealousy flare in his stomach but after taking another pill he thought ‘Fuck it, why not do the same?’

And that’s how he ended up here, the drugs in his system making him much braver than he would normally be. It doesn’t take too long until a guy is sitting down next to him, starting a conversation. His name is Gabriel. He’s got dark hair and eyes, is about Theo’s height but a lot bulkier. Adam would consider him handsome, even if it’s still strange to think about a guy in that way.

Gabriel’s English is pretty good and they talk about different things, music in the first place. The stranger is really interested in him being in a band and talking about his passion always lets Adam open up more easily. After a few drinks Adam suddenly feels the other’s hand on his thigh. Gabriel’s leaning towards him, whispering in his ear that he would like to move this conversation to his place. Adam freezes for a moment, not sure what to do. Should he really leave with that stranger and… but that was the plan after all, wasn’t it? He hesitates another moment, a picture of Theo pressed against a girl is flashing up in his mind and that’s enough to let him finally make a decision. Adam nods at the other shortly and together they leave the bar.

On unsteady legs he follows Gabriel to a lonely parking lot, where the other’s car is parked. Adam wonders briefly how much alcohol the other has had and if he is even able to drive anymore. But thinking about it now, Adam can only remember two beers. Suddenly he’s pulled out of his thoughts and roughly pushed to the floor. What the hell? The next moment he feels a sharp pain when Gabriel kicks him in the rips.

“What…? What the fuck are you doing?” Adam groans, feeling helpless and confused.

“Shut up and just give me your money. I’m sure you have plenty of it and won’t mind sharing, Mr. Superstar! Not everyone is as lucky as you, so just give it to me and nothing will happen to you,” the stranger hisses at him.

Adam lets his body react on autopilot. He pulls out his wallet and gives everything he has with him to this guy.

“Not bad,” Gabriel mutters seemingly satisfied, “I’m sure, fucking you would have been nice as well but one has to set priorities… Have a nice evening and don’t you dare calling the police, I’ll be long gone anyway!”

With those words the stranger disappears behind some bushes, leaving Adam lying there on the cold, hard ground with a hurting body. He can only hope his rips aren’t broken.

“Fucking shit…” Adam curses when he tries to get up, it really fucking hurts. He manages to go over to the next wall where he lets himself sink down again. What now? Should he call the police? The shock has cleared his clouded mind in an instant. Thinking about the situation, he really doesn’t want to pull any attention to himself, too afraid that any of this would become public. And most of all he doesn’t want to be seen in this place. A dark parking lot next to a gay club. Everyone would think he… and they wouldn’t even be that wrong. Adam feels lost and ashamed. He wants to cry but he has to find a way to get away from this damn place.

He could call a cab but he has no money and he isn’t even sure he can make it to his hotel room without help. So the only option he has, is calling someone he trusts. Paul! His friend knows about his complicated relationship with Theo and he would most likely understand what he’s doing in a place like this. Also Paul wouldn’t pressure him to tell him things, he doesn’t want to talk about.

With shaking fingers Adam pulls out his phone and dials Paul’s number. Nothing. Fuck, he’s probably gone to sleep already. Desperately Adam tries to reach his friend a few more times, but has to give up finally. Shit.

Another five minutes pass by. Adam is debating with himself but he only has one other option and this option is called Theo. He can only hope Theo isn’t busy with a girl or totally wasted by now.

***  
Theo’s POV

_I'm walking away 'cause I don't wanna face what I'm feeling..._

Theo is sitting in a fancy club, surrounded by loud music, and sipping his gin and tonic. He can already feel the effect the alcohol has on him but he welcomes it. Maybe the evening would become more fun then. So far no girl has caught his interest. Perhaps he’s just become too picky or… he’s thinking too much about things he shouldn’t think of. To be honest he doesn’t even know what’s going on anymore. How on earth could everything go so wrong during the last weeks? Everything had been great until the day Adam told him he was in love with him. He hates to admit it but this somehow turned his world upside down.

At first he just didn’t know how to behave with Adam. They had known each other for so long and in all those years, it had never been this tense between them. He hated it but he just couldn’t handle it any better. Then out of nowhere there were these dreams about Adam and him being more than just friendly with each other. Where the hell did that come from? He had never before thought about Adam in that way. Why did the confession of his friend affect him so much, why did it confuse him so much? It scared him and he just wanted to push it aside. The best way to do so, was avoiding Adam as much as possible, which isn’t an easy task when being on tour together. But soon he realized it didn’t really work that way. He missed his friend and Adam made clear how much he was hurt by his behavior. He couldn’t blame him. It had been stupid and childish and he finally had to man up. Adam and him had been through so much, they would overcome this, too.

But there was something about Adam… Theo really tried to not treat him differently, to not see anything else in him than the friend, he had been all those years. However, he couldn’t deny that the fact that Adam wanted him as a man, excited him in a strange way. He wanted to find out how far he could go with Adam. A touch here, a flirty smile there. Maybe it was some kind of redefining the boundaries between them. He knew it wasn’t the best thing to do, given the fact that Adam’s having feelings for him, but he couldn’t stop himself either. It was a dangerous game, he was bound to lose.

Theo thought he had everything under control, but boy was he wrong! This thing in the dressing room was never supposed to happen. Actually he still doesn’t know what got into him in that moment. He isn’t gay and it was a mistake, he’s sure about that, and yet somewhere deep inside there’s a part of him that just cannot regret what they did. If he’s being totally honest with himself, there are few things in his life that have touched him as deeply as Adam did that night. It was exciting and beautiful. He will never forget how it felt like to see the blue in Adam’s eyes turning dark, to have his hands all over his body, his lips wrapped around his…

Fuck! That’s what he should have told Adam afterwards but he just dismissed it as if it was nothing. He hurt Adam. He knew it. But on the other hand he couldn’t awake hopes in Adam, he wasn’t able to fulfill in the end, could he? Theo sighs deeply, burying his face in his hands. Why does everything have to be so complicated? He just wants things to go back to the way they were before. But for some reasons it doesn’t work. However, it isn’t the time nor place to have deep thoughts about all this mess right now. His alcohol infused brain sure as hell wouldn’t come up with a solution.

Theo finishes his drink and just wants to get lost on the dance floor, when he suddenly feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He checks the caller id and when he sees it’s Adam, he immediately answers the call. “Adam- Hold on a second! I’m in a club but I will go outside, so that I can hear you,” Theo yells into his phone.

While grabbing his jacket and making his way out of the club, he feels how panic rises in his chest. Adam wouldn’t be calling him in the middle of the night if there wasn’t something wrong.

Stepping outside, the cold night air hits his face and he feels slightly dizzy. “Adam? I can talk now. What’s wrong?”

“Theo, I… I need your help. I’ve been mugged and I think my ribs are a bit damaged, but otherwise I’m fine. It’s just I have no money and… Theo can you pick me up?” Adam’s voice sounds dull or maybe it is just the shock that has clouded Theo's senses.

“Oh my god Adam! Where are you? I’ll be here as fast as I can!” Before he knows it, his feet are already carrying him over to a cab that is waiting for passengers on the other side of the street.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go again. This is maybe my favourite chapter. Hope you like it, too. Have fun reading!

_Don't be afraid of tomorrow_  
_Just take my hand, I'll make it feel so much better tonight_

As soon as the cab arrives in the street Adam has told him, Theo spots the mentioned bar. His eyes widen as he realizes what kind of bar it is. A thousand questions immediately shoot through his head but he pushes them aside. His worry for Adam overshadows it all.

As soon as the cab comes to a hold, Theo jumps out of it and tells the driver to wait here until he’s back. He runs over to the parking lot as fast as his current state allows it. Luckily he spots Adam right away, cowered down next to a dirty wall, shivering all over.

“Adam...” he calls out, relieved and frightened all the same. When he’s next to Adam, Theo does the first thing that comes to his mind. He crouches down and takes him into his arms. Careful, not to cause further damage. He feels Adam immediately wrap his arms around him, trying to pull him even closer.

After a few seconds of comforting Adam, Theo pulls back a bit to be able to look at his friend. “Come on Adam, let’s get you away from here. The cab is waiting a few meters away. Can you get up, can you walk?”

“I think so, yes. Just careful…” Adam mumbles, not really looking Theo in the eyes.

Together they make it slowly back to the waiting car. Theo helps Adam to get seated in the back, stumbling a bit when he gets into the cab after him. “Sorry, I’m a bit tipsy…” he chuckles, but Adam just remains silent.

The cab driver is taking them back to the hotel, because Adam refused to go to a hospital. He claimed, the pain would have lessened already and it wasn’t necessary to see a doctor. After some minutes of complete silence and Adam staring out of the window, Theo eventually hears the other’s quiet voice: “Thank you for picking me up. And I’m sorry I ruined your night.”

He turns his head to look at Adam. “It’s out of question that I am there when you need me… And you didn’t ruin anything. It wasn’t that great anyway.”

Adam just nods and directs his gaze to the window again. Theo wants to ask him what exactly happened on that parking lot but that has to wait until they are alone. He’s not sure he wants to hear the answer, anyway.

Back at the hotel, Theo accompanies Adam to his room. To his relieve the other indeed seems to be better, judging by his movements not being that careful anymore. After the door closes behind them and they are alone, Adam looks around in his room uncomfortably, finally settling his gaze on the floor. “Theo listen, I’m really grateful that you brought me here and everything, but I’m really tired right now and…”

“No Adam, you won’t get rid of me that easily. I want to know what happened to you,” even though Theo somehow fears the truth, he knows they have to talk about it now or it will haunt him forever.

Adam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I already told you I’ve been mugged. The bastard wanted my money, that’s all.” Probably sensing that this wouldn’t be enough of an explanation for Theo, he continues: “I went out for a few drinks and I met him at the bar. We talked about different things, music mainly… He actually seemed like a nice guy. But well, my judgement was wrong, obviously. When we were outside, he pushed me to the floor and kicked me in the rips. He ran away after I had given him my money.” Adam still doesn’t meet his eyes, clearly wants to get over with this as fast as possible.

Theo doesn’t know what to say next. He hates this guy for hurting Adam but so far the pianist hasn’t told him anything he wouldn’t have somehow expected. The unspoken question WHY Adam left with that stranger in the first place is still lingering in the room. Theo isn’t a fool. He can think of an answer to that and he doesn’t like it at all. But still, he needs to hear it from Adam.

“Adam…” he starts hesitantly, “I know it’s none of my business but I could see what kind of bar this was and…”

“Damn right! It’s none of your business Theo! And I don’t feel any desire to talk to you about it. You don’t tell me about your activities on your nights out, either!” Adam snaps at him in defiance, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“But I don’t get mugged and beaten up during my “activities” for fuck’s sake! What the hell were you thinking Adam? Going with a total stranger to a godforsaken parking lot. Are you really that desperate?” It is out before he can stop himself. But something about this whole situation makes him so damn angry. He can’t even stop his hands from shaking from all the blind rage he’s feeling all of a sudden.

Adam looks at him like he’s just been slapped in the face. After a moment of silence, he finally says: “Yes Theo, maybe I am that desperate,” his voice quiet and slightly cracking.

When he sees the hurt and desperation on Adam’s face, Theo regrets his words immediately. Why does he even care so much? If Adam wants to try it out with guys, he has no right to judge him for it. But just the thought of Adam being with another man nearly tears him apart. “Hey… I’m sorry Adam… I didn’t mean to…”

“No you’re right,” Adam interrupts him once again, “it was reckless to just go with him. I was searching for something I would never find in a place like this, but I just… I don’t wanna talk about it anymore…”

Adam looks absolutely devastated and it breaks Theo’s heart to see him like this, knowing that most of it is probably his own fault. He steps close to Adam takes him in his arms, burying his nose in Adam’s neck. Before thinking about it too much, some soothing words find its way out of his mouth: “Shhh, it’s alright Adam. You did nothing wrong. It’s all my fault. But I’ll make you feel better, I promise.”

***  
Adam’s POV

_Swim with your sorrows_  
_And try delusion for a while_  
_It’s such a beautiful lie_

They are standing in the middle of the room, Theo hugging him close. He breathes in Theo’s sent and lets himself be calmed by the other’s soothing voice. Suddenly he feels Theo press little kisses to his throat, which causes to run a shiver down his spine. Theo kisses his way up to his chin, coming dangerously close to his lips.

Adam knows this is probably the moment he should stop this but he is weak and Theo’s touches feel so good. When their lips meet in a passionate kiss, Adam sees fireworks go off behind his closed eyelids. He’s missed this so much. Theo is all he wants, all he needs.

After a while their kisses become more desperate and he feels Theo push against him, forcing him to slowly move backwards, their lips never separating. When they reach the bed, Theo carefully makes him lie down. The singer instantly straddles his hips and continues the kissing, moaning softly into his mouth. Adam wonders briefly how far they’re gonna take it this time, but when he feels Theo press hard into his hip, it’s enough to make all of his thoughts vanish at once. He cups Theo’s butt with both hands, pulls the other even closer to let Theo know how much he’s into it as well.

They begin to slowly move against each other, their breathing becoming more and more uneven. Adam can’t hold back a few groans, he’s aroused out of his mind already. Right when he thinks they have to do something now or he’ll cream his pants like a teenage boy, Theo suddenly stops moving and sits up a bit. He looks at Adam with hazed eyes and grabs the seam of his pullover, trying to push it up to his chest.

“Is this ok?” Theo whispers. Adam doesn’t know if he’s referring to his damaged rips or to something else but he nods anyway.

He quickly helps Theo to get rid of their clothes, the pain in his rips mostly forgotten by now. When they are both naked, Theo takes his time to look him over, which causes Adam to blush. He somehow feels exposed and vulnerable under Theo’s gaze, even though the other is equally naked.

Theo, probably sensing his discomfort, lowers himself carefully on Adam again and whispers in his ear: “You’re beautiful!”

Adam feels a lump forming in his throat and just hugs Theo tightly to let him know he appreciates his words. The feeling of having Theo fully pressed against him without anything separating them, is overwhelming to say the least. His body is burning everywhere they touch. They soon continue where they left off with fiery kisses and Theo rolling his hips against his own.

When Adam already feels his release getting closer, Theo stops moving again. Adam lets out a frustrated growl but Theo just smiles at him. “You’re always so impatient,” the singer states.

He lets his hand wander over Adam’s chest, over his hipbone, down his thigh and back up again. Then Theo leans forward and bites Adam’s earlobe playfully, before he says in a low voice: “I want to make you mine, Adam!”

For a moment, Adam forgets how to breathe and before his brain has a chance to catch up, he hears himself say: “Do it, take me!” His voice is shaking.

Theo’s eyes go dark and without any further hesitation, he wets two of his fingers with his own spit and reaches down between them. Adam jumps at the first touch, the feeling of the other’s fingers on his entrance so strange and unfamiliar. Theo looks him in the eyes and strokes soothingly over his chest with the other hand, probably waiting for him to calm down a bit. Adam tries not to look as insecure as he feels and mumbles a “Go on”, which he hopes sounds confident enough.

Theo pushes one finger in and it’s really weird and uncomfortable at first but eventually it turns into something else when Theo finds this special spot, people always talk about. Adam can’t hold back some moans and he desperately wants to touch himself. But before he can reach his goal, Theo catches his hand and pins it next to his head. “Don’t you dare,” the singer hisses into his ear.

It’s exciting to be manhandled like this, Adam has never experienced something like that before. With girls he’s mostly been in charge but Theo clearly wants to dominate him and Adam is surprised how much he wants to surrender.

The way that Theo touches and prepares him lets Adam wonder if maybe this isn’t the first time the other is doing something like that. There’s no hint of uncertainty but he knows Theo can be a master of hiding such things. He’s pulled out of his thoughts when he suddenly feels the loss of Theo’s fingers and instead sees the other position himself between his legs. Adam feels a nervous flutter in the pit of his stomach, not sure what to expect and if he’s ready to take Theo.

Theo pecks him shortly on the lips before he breaches Adam with one swift move. The pianist groans out in pain, grabbing the sheets with so much force that his knuckles turn white. Theo holds very still for a while, trying to give the other time to get used to the feeling. “Fuck! You’re so tight,” he squeezes out and Adam can feel his warm breath puffing over his chest.

After some time Adam feels the pressure decrease and he’s able to relax a bit. He loses his grip on the sheets and lets his hand slide through Theo’s hair instead. The singer takes this as the permission to move and he carefully begins to thrust into Adam.

Adam has never felt anything like this before. Sex has never been this… intense. He’s unable to control his own reactions and it feels like he isn’t even in charge of his own body anymore. But that’s okay. He trusts Theo enough to let himself fall. And Theo… he’s such a passionate lover. Adam is very glad they’re facing each other because he wouldn’t want to miss the emotions rushing over the singer’s face. And Theo doesn’t hold back. In this moment, he doesn’t hide anything from him.

When they both tumble over the edge it’s the most amazing feeling Adam has had in a while or maybe in forever. He finally feels the deep satisfaction he has graved so much. It takes them both some time to somewhat come down from the high. They’re lying next to each other on their backs, trying to get their breathing under control.

Adam doesn’t know if he should say something or not. But what do you say in a situation like that? Everything’s still so unclear between them. Maybe now more than ever. He has no clue where they will go from here. They’ve crossed the line. Again. How on earth will they be able to return from this? But he’s just too tired to form any clear thought right now. Before he gives in to his exhaustion, there’s one thing he needs to know, though. “Will you stay the night?”

Theo looks at him, maybe pondering about the question. “Of course, if you want me to,” he finally gives back.

“I do,” is all Adam says before he pulls the blanket over him and buries his head into the pillow. A moment later Theo turns the light off and gets under the blanket as well. Adam feels the urge to move closer to Theo but he stays in place. Too unsure if the singer wants to share this kind of intimacy with him right now. For a few minutes Adam concentrates on Theo’s soft breathing and just before he fully surrenders to sleep, he can feel the other’s arm wrap around his waist.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, the final chapter! I really hope you are happy with the way the story ends. :)  
> BUT because of your lovely feedback and since I really have difficulties to let go of the story, I've decided to add something like an epilogue. It will be up by the end of the week. So, keep an eye out and now have fun reading! ;)

_When we stood on the skyline_   
_There was no turning back_   
_And you said not to stare at the ground_   
_But there's a hole in my parachute as big as your heart_   
_And the gravity’s pulling me down…_

When Adam wakes up the next morning or rather early afternoon the sun is shining brightly into his room. He yawns, stretches and for the first time in a long time he feels somewhat well rested. There’s a strange but not unpleasant tingle in his whole body and then he suddenly remembers last night. He sits up straight in his bed, while all the memories come rushing back to him. The next thing he notices is that Theo isn’t there anymore. He doesn’t even have to turn his head to know that he’s alone in the room. He can’t stop a feeling of disappointment rising in his chest. But really, he shouldn’t be surprised. It’s just… when Theo pulled him close last night before he fell asleep, he thought maybe… But wait! Perhaps Theo left him a note! He checks the room and then his phone for any messages from Theo, but of course there’s nothing. Adam feels his heart sink, while his last bit of hope is dying and then he shakes his head. _‘You’re a fool’_ he thinks to himself.

With a sigh the pianist gets up eventually and looks himself over in the mirror. A bruise is forming on his rips but otherwise it doesn’t hurt that much anymore, so he assumes that there was no severe damage done last night. At least not to his body. He spots a mark on his collarbone, Theo must have left there. Thoughtfully he lets his fingers brush over it. He doesn’t know what kind of game Theo is playing with him, but one thing he’s sure of: He can’t go on like this. He can’t allow Theo to treat him like that. First show him what it could be like and then walk away again as if nothing has happened. Theo might be good at pretending but the image of them just being friends is a lie. They’ve overstepped the boundaries twice already and Adam knows it has to stop, for his own good.

He’s so done with being a victim all the time. He doesn’t want to be so weak. The incident with this guy he met in the bar was like a wake-up-call for him. Adam’s aware that he’s been lucky and could have ended up worse. He needs to gain back control over his life and his own actions and he knows he can’t do it with his brain being clouded by drugs every night. And therefore he makes a decision.

After one last look in the mirror, the pianist goes over to his suitcase, grabs the pills and flushes them down the toilet. It’s a feeling of victory because he knows he’s done the right thing for once. He’s stronger than the impact these stupid drugs have on him. He can manage without them, he has proved it in the past.

***

Adam finds himself standing on the roof top of the hotel. They’ve discovered this place yesterday after their arrival and it provides a beautiful view over the city. The guitarist has decided to come here to think about his situation and where he wants to go from there. First of all he has to talk to Theo and make clear that he will no longer be available to occasionally satisfy the other’s needs. He deserves better than that. Then they will return to England, play the last gigs of this tour and after that there will finally be a break. Adam wants to use this time to distance himself from Theo and think about his future. For the first time since he met Theo he isn’t sure if they can continue their way together. It breaks his heart to just think about it but he has to face the truth: If Theo and him lose their friendship over it all, it would mean the end of HURTS. The thought alone nearly chokes him. He really can’t imagine his life without Theo and the band. They have to find a way, they just have to…

Suddenly he hears footsteps behind him. He knows immediately it’s Theo. Adam doesn’t turn around, waiting for the other to speak first. The singer stops right behind him and places his hand on Adam’s shoulder. “Hey… there you are,” he says in a soft voice. “I’ve been searching for you.”

Adam shakes the other’s hand off and turns around. He feels anger flaring in the pit of his stomach, all his disappointment coming to the surface again. “Guess what! I was searching for YOU when I woke up today! But I should have known that you prefer running away after you got what you wanted.”

Theo meets his gaze. “Adam… don’t be like that. You know I always wake up earlier than you and I just left because I went for a walk. I had to clear my mind… think about some things…” The calmness in Theo’s voice annoys Adam even more. For Theo everything seems to be alright while his own world is breaking apart. He wants to shake Theo, finally wake him up so that he realizes how much they’re steering towards the abyss.

“I’ve been thinking, too” Adam blurts out, his voice slightly shaking. “I can’t go on like this, Theo. You have to play your games without me.” He turns around and walks to the edge of the roof terrace, not able to face the singer anymore.

“But it’s not a game!” he hears Theo exclaiming behind him. At least the calmness is gone from his voice now. “I’m so sorry Adam. I know I’ve been an idiot and you deserve better than that. For you it must look as if I’m playing with your feelings but I swear that was never my intention. The truth is I’ve just been so confused the whole time. Since the day you told me about your feelings, I didn’t know what to do, what to think… how to feel!”

“Yes I get that Theo, but it doesn’t give you the right to treat me the way you did. First you ignore me for weeks, so that I have to constantly fear losing you as a friend and then suddenly you start giving me signals I can’t interpret and if that wasn’t enough you use me as a stopgap for some lonely hours on tour or to satisfy your curiosity or whatever!” Adam’s still staring ahead, his eyes seeing nothing.

He can hear a sigh coming from Theo’s mouth. “That’s not true. The last part. I know I’ve told you something like that, but it was rubbish. Maybe I wanted to believe it myself…” Adam doesn’t know how to react to that. He’s sick of Theo’s excuses, of his lies…

“Please Adam, look at me!” There’s pleading in the singer’s voice.

Adam turns around slowly. Blue eyes meet brown ones. He needs to know why Theo is doing this to him. “So… if this is not true, tell me Theo, what’s the real reason you slept with me then?”

Now it’s Theo’s turn to avert his gaze. He probably wasn’t expecting Adam to be so straight forward. “Because I wanted you. Badly.” Before he continues, he looks Adam in the eyes again. “I know I should have told you before but better now than never. I enjoyed every second of it. Last night as well as what we did in the dressing room. It was wonderful and exciting. I’ve never experienced something like that before and I don’t regret anything we have done. And it wasn’t about satisfying my curiosity. It was special because it was with you.”

Adam can hear the affection in Theo’s voice and inside of him there’s a roller coaster of emotions. It feels good to know that at least it meant something to Theo as well but at the same time it becomes even more difficult to accept that it has to end so that he wouldn’t end up being hurt over and over again.

When the silence between them stretches out for too long, Theo speaks again. “I’m really sorry that I acted like it meant nothing. It was a shitty move… I hope you believe me.” There’s hope in his eyes and Adam can tell that Theo means it. Therefore he can’t really be angry anymore, the only feeling left in him is sadness.

A sigh comes over Adam’s lips before he answers. “Yes, I believe you. But no matter how much we both liked it, I hope you are aware that this can’t happen again. It’s not enough for me to share my bed with you and it’s killing me to let you go afterwards. I can’t do such a ‘friends with benefits’ thing, not with you.” Theo wants to interfere at that but Adam signals the other that he needs to finish what he has to say. “I know things can go back to normal between us, it just needs some time. I’m sure we can make it.” He doesn’t sound as convinced as he wants to but he needs to hold on to that hope.

Theo looks at him surprised. “Do you really believe that? Who are you kidding? We’ve spent this whole tour trying to go back to normal and it didn’t work. Nothing will ever be the same again and you know it! We’ve gone way too far, everything’s different now. Last night made it clear for me that there is no turning back…”

“What are you saying?” Adam is looking at him with wide eyes. He’s panicking now. Does Theo want to quit them? Their friendship? Their band? “Theo we need to find a way! We’ve got so much to lose. Can’t you see?”

Theo just shakes his head, smiling now. He places both hands on Adam’s shoulders. “You still don’t get it, do you?” Adam just keeps staring, confusion written all over his face. “Don’t you even consider the possibility that I could feel the same way you do? And where does this ‘friends with benefits’ thing suddenly come from? I never said it’s something I would want. Don’t you think I could find me some other company for my bed if it was just about that?”

Adam just looks at him dumbfounded. All this time he’s been so sure he would never have a chance with Theo. So now, despite all the new revelations, it still seems so impossible to him. “But… but you… I thought you would never like me the way I like you…” He looks down, the last words spoken so quietly, it was just above a whisper.

He feels Theo’s finger under his chin, encouraging him to look up again. “You thought wrong. You made me fall in love with you, you idiot.” And then Theo’s lips press softly against his own. Any rational thought has vanished from his mind and he lets his mouth be captured into a loving kiss. This is so different from anything they’ve shared before. No hurry, no other purpose than to just enjoy the moment of closeness.

After some time, Theo pulls back a bit, caressing Adam’s cheek with his hand. “Oh Adam, the things you do to me…” His eyes are sparkling, his deep voice full of love. And Adam just can’t believe what has just happened. Slowly, very slowly it sinks in, everything Theo has said to him and an overwhelming happiness spreads throughout his whole body. The feeling so strong, it nearly makes him dizzy.

“I don’t know what to say… You just… you make me so happy,” he stammers, probably looking at Theo like a lovesick fool. “But I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I mean, what has changed? How did you notice that you… liked me too…um… more than a friend I mean?” He’s dying to know. Theo and his behavior have been a mystery to him for so long now.

The singer chuckles, probably finding it amusing that he’s so out of it he can’t even form a coherent sentence. “What has changed?” Theo repeats the question, thinking about it for a second. “I don’t know really. Probably everything and nothing at all. It’s still you and me as it’s always been. But now it’s so much more. I guess your confession back then awoke something in me I never dared to think about, I never dared to feel. But for a while I just wasn’t ready to admit it.”

Adam can relate to that. The process he’s been through, when he first discovered his feelings for his best friend, was a similar one.

“And after last night I just couldn’t deny it anymore... I was so fucking jealous when I found out that you wanted to… you know… with another guy.” Theo steps even closer and whispers in his ear: “I really meant it when I said I want to make you mine.”

Adam blushes at the memory and buries his face into the crook of Theo’s neck. “I’ve always been yours.” His lips move against Theo’s skin while he’s speaking. He knows he’s cheesy but he can’t help it right now. Theo’s hold tightens around him and he can only imagine the pleased smile on the singer’s face.

After a while Adam lifts his head so that he can look at Theo. “So… are you saying we’re a couple now or what? You’ve never been the relationship guy…”

Theo raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, in absolute contrast to you Mr. Anderson – Master of relationships…” he says with an amused tone.

“Well, I never said that. In fact we’re both quite bad when it comes to this. So what if we fuck this up Theo? What if we…”

“Hey…” he gets interrupted by Theo. “Stop that Adam! Don’t catastrophize again! Believe me, I’m scared, too. But really, we shouldn’t destroy it by overthinking. Let’s just enjoy what we have.”

Adam knows Theo is right but still, it’s difficult for him to let go of his doubts and worries. “You’ve always been the braver one of us.”

“Maybe…” Theo gives back thoughtfully. “But you’re a risk taker as well. Just think about when we decided to stake everything on one card, to start a band, to make music together. Actually it was a totally crazy thing to do, having no plan B. No one knew where this would lead and still here we are now, successful as a band, being able to live our dream.” Theo gives him a fond look and continues his speech. “And now it’s not that much different. We just have to trust in one another. Nothing will be bigger than us, remember?” Theo says with a dreamy smile on his face.

Adam feels like his heart might burst out of his chest from the happiness that’s rushing through him. Theo always makes him believe they can overcome everything and he adores him for it. Adam slings his arms around Theo’s neck, pulls him close and into another kiss. Words couldn’t express his feelings better than this simple gesture.

He doesn’t know what the future will bring. But then again, no one does. Love can be a scary thing. But sometimes you have to let yourself fall and trust the other person enough to catch you.


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is really the last part. Thank you so much everyone for reading this story and especially for giving me feedback. Every single comment made me very, very happy and gave me lots of motivation to go on! <3 As I said, this was my first fanfiction and I'm quite fond of it. So I really hope you all like this last chapter! :)

_You're some kind of heaven_   
_That's all that I need_   
_I found it in you_

Adam is sitting on his bed in the small train compartment. He looks out of the window but it’s too dark outside to see anything. They are on tour again and currently traveling with the Trans-Siberian Express. What an adventure! Theo is totally excited about it. They all are. But right now it’s the middle of the night and everyone else is probably sleeping. Adam should also be exhausted but somehow he’s wide awake. He’s thinking about Theo, who is in another compartment down the corridor.

Two months have passed since that conversation on a roof top somewhere in Germany. Two months he’s been together with Theo. And on a personal level these two months have definitely been the happiest in his life. Nothing before has ever felt so right. In previous relationships Adam has always had a problem with fully committing to the person he’s been with. It’s been so difficult for him to just let himself fall, to love someone with everything he had and everything he was. And now with Theo, it seems like he doesn’t even have a choice. He can’t play it safe, even if he wanted to. But then again, together they’ve never played it safe. It just wasn’t their style.

All those years ago they formed a band together over night and started off the next day without giving it a second thought. They were so young back then. And now they’ve grown up on many levels but still, some things remain the same. Once they both had finally been clear about their feelings, they were rushing into this relationship. Head over heels. But it all just comes naturally, it’s who they are. After finishing the tour in the middle of December, Theo practically moved in with him right away. Of course he still has his own apartment but he was already talking about giving it up. To be honest Adam wouldn’t have expected the other to be like this, jumping right in with the same determination he finds in himself. No doubts, no hesitation whatsoever.

In all those years that he’s known Theo, the singer always preferred short affairs above something stable. It’s not like he’s just been sleeping around all the time. Of course there had been girls he was in love with but every time it was over he moved on very quickly. He never seemed to be too serious about love. In the end freedom has always been more important to him, no obligations, never staying in one place for too long. Adam was basically the same, but for different reasons. He’s always graved something deeper, something that lasts, but he just never knew how to make it work. Now with Theo he feels like he has finally arrived somewhere he was always meant to be.

Another thing that came as a surprise to Adam is that he’s still discovering completely new sides of Theo. He thought after so many years of friendship, working together and even living together for some time there wouldn’t be much he didn’t know about the other. But of course the change in their relationship has also brought changes in their behavior. He never knew that Theo could be so sweet. As a friend the singer has always been caring and supportive. Adam could talk about a lot of things with him but still, when it came to expressing their feelings, other than through music, it was not quite easy, maybe even a bit awkward. But now that Theo is in love with him, he’s very affectionate and very attentive as well. Adam often receives sweet little gifts from him and he can’t deny that he likes to be treated like that. He couldn’t wish for more, really.

In fact he’s so happy, it scares him sometimes. What if this isn’t meant to last? Most of the time he doesn’t think about it and just lives in the now but still, there are these moments when his doubts hit him with full force. This is mostly the case when Theo is not with him, for example those nights the singer goes out partying with his friends. Adam could join him of course, but those parties just aren’t his thing and they don’t even have so many common friends as one would think. So he rather stays at home or meets up with his own friends. Just because they are together now, it doesn’t mean they can’t do things on their own anymore. So actually he really doesn’t have a problem with Theo going out, it’s just that he can’t get completely rid of the thought that the singer might find a girl fascinating enough to fall back into old patterns. However, this is not Theo’s fault. So far he’s never given him a reason to doubt him. It’s rather Adam’s old fear that he can’t be enough for Theo, not for anyone. He knows it’s something he still has to work on but luckily his sensitive boyfriend knows him so well and never gets tired of showing him how important he is.

Thinking about all of this makes a warm feeling spread throughout his body. Adam still can’t believe how wonderful everything has turned out after all the heartache he’s been through when his love for Theo was still unrequited. The tour last year has for sure been the most intense emotional roller coaster ride he’s ever had. But the current tour isn’t easy either, however this time for completely different reasons. He had no idea he could miss someone so much who is right with him nearly all the time. During these weeks between the tours they’ve been very close emotionally as well as physically. So now it’s really hard to not be able to share this kind of affection whenever they feel like it.

Their bandmates have no clue what’s going on between them. And for now they want to keep it this way. They’re both not ready to tell anyone about their relationship, everything’s still so fresh. However, Paul probably suspects something again. From time to time he sends Adam some knowing smiles, but the pianist feels no hurry to have a talk with him about it. They all will know soon enough when the time’s right. But until then Theo and him have to play the game of cat and mouse. Stolen glances, hidden touches, secret kisses and sneaking into the other’s hotel room in the middle of the night. It’s kind of exciting. Adam feels like a teenager again.

But right now he’s just annoyed by it. It’s been way too long since he last got the chance to get close to Theo. They didn’t even kiss properly today. The singer is so close and yet so far, it’s maddening! Adam wonders if maybe Theo’s awake, too. He could send him a message to find out… or actually he could have a quick look. The pianist decides for the latter. He needs to see him, even if it’s only for a second. The longing is just too strong.

Adam silently leaves his compartment and pads down the corridor until he’s standing in front of Theo’s. He opens the door carefully and sticks his head inside. There’s light coming from a small lamp but when he looks over to Theo’s bed he finds the singer fast asleep.

Adam lets himself into the small “room”, actually just intending to switch off the lamp and then go back to his own compartment, so that he wouldn’t disturb Theo’s sleep. But before that he takes a moment to just look at Theo. He’s lying on his back, his mouth slightly open, breathing softly. Adam takes in his beautiful features. His long eyelashes, the straight nose, his curved lips, the cute little freckles. A wave of adoration hits him unannounced, the feeling so strong, he has to hold his breath for a moment. For the pianist it’s still a miracle that Theo wants to be with him. Of all people he could have had, he chose him.

Adam knows he should really leave Theo alone now and let him rest but at the same time he feels such a strong urge to hold him close. Even if it’s selfish to risk Theo waking up, he just can’t resist. He switches off the light and carefully crawls into Theo’s bed, partly on top of him, since there’s no other space left. He inhales Theo’s sent deeply and immediately feels his whole body prickle and his shorts getting tighter. He’s so addicted to this man, it’s ridiculous.

Theo stirs a bit under him and next his sleepy voice can be heard: “Adam? What are you doing here?”

Adam kisses his temple and lets his nose slide along Theo’s cheek before he whispers: “I’m sorry I woke you up, but I just couldn’t sleep. I missed you so much.”

Theo moves his legs a bit and then gives back: “Hmm, I can feel that,” referring to where Adam’s lower body is pressed against his thigh. Even if his voice is still a bit rough and scratchy from sleep, he already sounds more awake now.

Adam kisses him on the mouth, lets his tongue slide along his lips like a hungry animal. Theo easily gives in to him, kisses him back lazily. The pianist immediately puts more fire and passion into the kiss. He has the urge to speed things up, feels so needy right now. Theo lets him, a soft sigh coming over his lips, an indication that he’s okay with the direction this is taking. Adam really likes it when the singer is so compliant under him. Most times, when he wants to take control, he has to fight for it, since Theo is rather dominant by nature. But now the moment of surprise is definitely on his side and the fact that Theo’s still a bit drowsy actually turns him on even more.

The guitarist sits up, pulling Theo with him. He gets rid of the singer’s shirt and does the same to his own. Next he pulls down their boxers and lowers himself on top of Theo again. He can feel that the other is definitely awake by now. He caresses Theo’s thigh and then takes his length into his hand, stroking him. A deep moan escapes the singer’s mouth.

Adam places a finger over his lips. “Shh, we have to be very quiet. Those walls are so fucking thin!” he whispers into Theo’s ear. If he remembers correctly Lael’s and Pete’s compartments are next to Theo’s.

“God, this is torture!” the singer chuckles softly.

“Yeah, I know. I will just kiss the sounds away,” Adam gives back. Theo’s always very vocal in bed (as well as outside of it) and he normally likes it a lot, but right now they really have to be careful if they don’t want their secret to be revealed like that.

He starts moving his hand on Theo again, while he’s kissing him hungrily. When Theo already begins to thrust up into his hand, he pulls away, not wanting the other to come yet, which is answered by a little whine from his lover. He smiles to himself and presses his index finger against Theo’s lips. The other takes the hint, sucks it into his mouth to get it wet, knowing what’s to come. Adam’s very pleased that Theo apparently goes conform with his plans. It’s not like they wouldn’t do it both ways but still, it’s mostly Theo who gets to top him. Adam likes this, too. Very much to be honest. But sometimes he just needs it the other way round and this is one of those times.

He starts preparing Theo, the way they always do. At least he doesn’t feel so insecure anymore when it comes to that matter. They had a lot of practice during the last weeks and he’s confident to know Theo’s body pretty well by now. Adam lets his fingers slide in and out and Theo holds onto his shoulders tightly, trying very hard to keep the sounds in.

When he thinks that Theo’s loose enough and he really has no patience left in him, he positions himself between the singer’s legs and enters him as carefully as he can without losing his mind completely. Theo wraps his legs around his hips and scratches his nails over Adam’s back. If there’s pain, Adam can’t feel it at the moment. His body is fully overtaken by the sensation of being surrounded by Theo’s tight heat. He wants to give the other more time to adjust, but Theo already starts rocking against him. “I need you to move, Adam!” he says in a low and husky voice, which gives Adam goosebumps.

_‘Could his voice be any sexier?’_ the pianist thinks to himself and begins to thrust into Theo. The room is completely dark. Nothing can be heard besides the moving of the train, their harsh breathing and the sound of skin moving against skin. Adam wished he would have left the light on, so that he could see Theo’s face right now. An image of Theo with a totally blissed out and abandoned expression flashes up in his mind. He’s always so fucking beautiful like this. But on the other hand he feels like the darkness sharpens his other senses and everything feels even more intense.

When Adam picks up the pace and changes the angle a bit, he makes Theo cry out. The pianist puts a hand over his mouth to silence him and fucks him even harder, hitting his prostate with every thrust. Theo bites his hand. They’re both so close now, desperate for release. He lets his other hand slide down Theo’s sweaty body and wraps it around his erection. With the additional stimulation it doesn’t take long for Theo to come with a muffled groan, biting down hard on Adam’s hand. The jolt of pain, together with the sensation of Theo spilling hot between their bodies and clamping down on him mercilessly, is enough to throw Adam over the edge as well. He comes buried deep inside of Theo, his mouth open in a silent scream.

With no strength left in him he crushes down on Theo. He lays his head on his chest, listening to his drumming heartbeat. The singer wraps his arms around him and whispers a breathless “I love you!”

In that moment Adam feels so happy he could cry. He searches for Theo’s mouth and mumbles a “I love you, too” against his lips before he kisses him sloppily. After a while, when he feels like he can move again, he finally pulls out of Theo and manages to get up. He switches on the small lamp and has to squint his eyes together for a moment, until they adjust to the sudden brightness. Then he grabs a few tissues to clean them both up at least a bit. When he looks at Theo, the singer meets his gaze and smiles at him. “Damn, that was hot Adam!”

“I know,” he whispers back, grinning like an idiot and begins to wipe away the mess on their bodies. Theo’s just lying there, watching him, but when his gaze falls on the pianist’s left hand, his eyes go wide. There are bloody teeth marks perfectly visible. “Shit Adam! I’m sorry… I was so out of it,” the singer utters, while he’s examining Adam’s hand with a guilty look on his face.

“Oh, I actually take it as a compliment,” Adam says proudly. “Don’t worry! I will just put on this bandage. Since I’m wearing it a lot anyway, no one will ask about it,” he winks at Theo.

“Ok, so your weird taste is good for something at least,” Theo gives back cheekily and kisses the wound as an apology.

“Oh shut up you…” Adam laughs quietly. “By the way, if the guys have heard something and ask you about it, you will have to tell them you jerked off in there.”

“Yeah, yeah… It’s all your fault, anyway. I was sleeping peacefully until you jumped me like a horny dog,” the singer grumbles.

Adam pecks him on the mouth. He’s just too cute when he’s pouting like that. “Oh come on, it wasn’t like I had to persuade you much!”

Theo lets out a small giggle and pulls the pianist into his arms again, kissing him lovingly. After a while Adam pulls back and gets up reluctantly. “You know I’d rather stay here but I guess I should go back to my own compartment before the first early birds wake up.”

“Yes, you’re right,” the singer sighs “and we really should get some sleep now. Tomorrow or rather today is another show.”

Adam puts on his clothes, gives Theo another lingering kiss and goes over to the door. “See you later!”

“Yes and before that I’ll see you in my dreams!” Theo tells him sweetly, blowing him a kiss.

Adam rolls his eyes at his sappy boyfriend, but is unable to hide the smile that steals itself on his lips, before he has the chance to turn around and leave.


End file.
